thanks for choosing god.

speaking of scams...
Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

This is about rap. If you like rap, I'd like to say, in advance, that I'm sorry. It's really not your fault.
The Lady Jez is really into rap, so I thought I'd give it a try. She tried Dave's True Story, after all, so it's the least I could do. The rap fans claim that the music has a lot to say if you just listen. So I did.
I found the one station in Vancouver that will actually play rap.. Co-op radio after 2 am when everyone's too tired to call in to complain.. and I listened.

And you know what? The lyrics really spoke to me. This is what they said:
What's up ma? Is we fuckin' or what?
Haha, trying to say something tonight baby
I know everybody ask their chick this question
In the house, in the club, in the car, outside, everywhere

(Chorus 2x)
All my stripclub honeys is we fuckin' or what?
All my eat-pill honeys is we fuckin' or what?
All my hoodrat honeys is we fuckin' or what?
I just wanna know one thing, is we fuckin' or what?

Ain't no need in buying a drink or holding a convo
If you ain't coming back to the condo
It's damn near 4 in the morning ain't shit to discuss
Til you ask which dick do you suck
I'm trying to fuck til it's light outside
You feel the same? Get your coat get your friends
The truck right outside
Listen ma I wanna ball out
So when I nut I expect you to suck it all out
And let my man tear your walls out
Cause he just came home and he need pussy to fall out
I get it crump ask the fellow players
Kiss hit more hoes than they list in the yellow pages
It's never to cuff 'em share 'em right after I fuck 'em
To come clean I'm a mellow gangster
Pass a chick like a baton runner to runner
Been through a million thongs from summer to summer
So you'll never see J stressed they always say yes
Everynight dog I be bustin a nut
I just can't stop gettin' the butt
And the only thing I ask girlfriend is we fuckin' or what?

(Chorus 2x)

Look if you don't like men be out
And if it's all good and you got a girlfriend then we out
Please don't hit me with the two worse lines
How you don't be doing this or this is your first time
Listen we all grown bitch you came here on your own bitch
(I like that line.. rhyming 'bitch' with 'bitch'. It's awfully clever.)
I leave them lawsuits alone bitch
She try to tell me she model
I told her me too you ain't saying nothing slick suck it and swallow
I just wanna hit you from the back and watch the Apollo
And if the pussys all that I might holla tomorrow
But you acting like a rabbit how you cling to the carrots
It ain't the bling it's the nigga ma get it and stash it
Caught a coy, caught a flashback check this out
Bring your girlfriend in the room shorty and lick her asscrack
And even though your toungue stuck in her butt
The only thing I wanna know is we fuckin' or what?

(Chorus 4x {at least. Sheesh})

[ahem]... Ok, the lyrics definitely have something to say, and indeed they say it. Over and over and over...

Even setting aside the creative use of grammar, for the love of god.. I don't care how big a gangsta rappa homie word you are, you still look like a dork. I mean, fly you may be, but you can't even put your hat on straight. "Oh wait!" I hear you cry, "that's The Look!" Well, yes, but here's the thing about The Look.. when I was in elementary school there was a young boy who was.. how can I put this.. special. And the school administrators decided to put him in with us, the 'gifted' children so that he would feel like he was fitting in. Yes, another brilliant idea from the people who brought you the Dry Grad. Anyway, this poor lad couldn't even really dress himself, and he always looked such a mess.. clothes that were far too big for him, a baseball hat that he was very proud of, but couldn't ever seem to put on straight, pants that were always falling down...
Sound familiar?

But the rappers have something to say, and tonight they've touched my life. And indeed, now I can rest easy knowing that rapper A has x number of.. er.. bitches, and that rapper B is a bad mother who has lots of money, a big black car, and the ever-important large penis. And a word, apparently. He likes that bit. He says it a lot.

Don't these rapper wanks realise that no one takes them seriously? That they're the AOL of the music industry? I wonder whether tupac considered himself a K R4D R4PP3R MU51C D00D..

"All my eat-pill honeys is we fuckin' or what?"

Now, yes, Shakespeare made up words. I'll admit that. I'm not proud. But at least he did a good job. I mean, honestly, 'eat-pill honeys'? Still, "Ain't no need in buying a drink or holding a convo" which apparently has to do with communication. I think. Convo being conversation. Sure.. I can see that.. conversation.. conver.. um... convosation? Convocation! Of course! No need to drink or hold a convocation. That makes perfect sense now. After all, I think that this little "song" (and I use the word in its broadest possible sense) has very little to do with the episcopal church, somehow. How could I have doubted the razor edge and keen grasp of vocabulary of the rapping mind?

"But wait! Not all rap is about violence and/or sex!"
That's very true.. there was that one.. um... ok, I can't think of one right now that wasn't about violence or sex but I'm sure that there's one out there somewhere.

I've listened to several songs, and they all had the same underlying theme: "Hello, I am a rapper with a large car and a lot of money. Allow me to tell you about my enormous penis. Also, permit me to expound upon the virtues of hurting people with a variety of weapons while at the same time announcing my intentions toward their girlfriends."

I mean really, it's all just so.. silly. All the words and the niggas and the caps being busted in people's arses... just grow up boys. I stopped playing gangsta when I was six.

Still, apparently it ain't the bling it's the nigga. Words to live by indeed. I don't think I'm likely to forget them.

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