thanks for choosing god.

speaking of scams...
Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

15 January 2006 : 19.39
Oh, xmas! So, The Christmas Invasion! Fantastic! David Tennant is already the Doctor, he and Rose seem to have an even better chemistry than she did with the last Doctor, and the trailer for the upcoming series looks.. wow. The new Cybermen.. wow. And Torchwood, on top of that! I can't wait!

So, where are we going to go first?
That way. No, hold on..
that way.

15 January 2006 : 19.17
I really need to start a new page again. This is getting huge.

Disneyland is still celebrating its fiftieth birthday, apparently. There's a renewed flurry of signs in the SkyTrain stations featuring the golden mouse ears. How long is this birthday going to be?
Speaking of which, in a conversation a little while ago I described Disneyland as "The happiest place on Earth. Aside from my pants."
I think that this should be their new slogan. god, I should be in marketing.

Oy.. this morning I was woken by one of my computers screaming in a panic because number two motor on my water cooling system had failed, and the processor was getting hot.
Ooh, that sounds impressive, doesn't it? Oh come on. You love a guy with a big pump. Ah, technology. There are so many flashing noises and beeping lights in my apartment now that it's like living in an arcade. On the Enterprise.
Which reminds me. Got me a Sunbeam Lightbus. This impresses you. Yes it does. Shut up. Pretty flashing lights and things.
And speaking of technology, my parents gave me an Iogear bluetooth headset for xmas for use with my phone. It's fabulous! Way better than the Jabra. It weighs virtually nothing, has a ridiculously long battery life, and sounds fantastic. I have yet to find any kind of problem with it. My parents are awesome. :)

Fuck my co-workers are loud.
On the other hand, the Iceberg Radio cover station has Offspring singing Feelings. Oh, this gets turned up.


So stephen harper gets up on the stage, and he's all like "blah blah blah military spending" and I'm like "Whatever"

And then I'm listening to the radio and the commercials are all "Liberal gun control policies are bad" and I'm like "Whatever"

13 January 2006 : 18.41
You know, with all of the advertising, the campaigning, the promises, and the scandals, some people still aren't sure which way to vote.
I'll make it simple:

Vote for the Liberals.

Yes, the party has its problems, it has its share of scandals, and it has made mistakes, but sunshine, if you think that politicians are perfect, I have news for you which might come as a shattering blow to your worldview...

No political party is your idea of the perfect government, and so how you make the choice is simple. You eliminate the parties that you don't want in power, and vote for the remainder. So let's see who we have:
The conservatives. Well, that's not too difficult. Think of everything you dislike about the current american government. From their bible-based morality, which not only does not reflect the separation of church and state but has no bearing on our modern world, to their desire to increase military spending when we don't need it, the conservatives represent everything that Canada in general opposes. If they're put in a position of power they'll attempt to introduce legislation opposing same-sex marriages, abortion, and legalisation of marijuana, among other things. I don't care what they promise, you only have to look at their position, and the basis of their sense of morality to see that they must do this. Harper's already drawing criticism from his voting pool of conservative imbeciles for not being more definite when stating that abortion is bad.
The conservatives think that gun control is bad. Hello? Guns kill people, no matter what the NRA might have to say about it. Guns are designed to kill. Fundamentally, they have no other purpose. Oh, people use them for other things, like target shooting, but I use my iMac as a doorstop, and it wasn't designed for that, either. So how, exactly, is it bad to control the availability and use of a device designed to kill? Oh, I know what the opponents of gun control say. "If we outlaw guns, only criminals will have guns." Well, yes. We outlaw murder, too, which means that only criminals can murder people. I don't see a problem here. Do we want to end up like america? A culture of fear in which everyone carries a gun because they're afraid that everyone else is carrying a gun? I've regularly hung about some of the worst neighbourhoods in the lower mainland, and I've never so much as seen a gun outside a gun club, so I certainly don't need the right to carry one on my person at all times in order to feel safe.
And speaking of guns, the conservatives want to increase military spending. But why? We have an adequate military, and no one is about to attack us. The only reason that they could want to introduce more military spending is if they want to make more use of the military. And that means joining in with the americans in whichever war they want to start this year. How many of our fellow Canadians will be sent off to die in a war we don't support?
Just look at him. I wouldn't buy a car from Stephen Harper, much less a government. He's a freaking whackjob. Obviously even his own party knows it, since they've gone to so much trouble to groom his public image since the last election. But if you think that under this pretty, soft new facade he's any less the twisted motherfucker he was last time, you're probably gullible enough to believe that the world was created in six days.

Next, the NDP. Are you in a union? No? The NDP doesn't care about you. Their only purpose in life is to fellate as many unions as possible in order to get a nice big load of votes as a reward. That's it. A political party should get votes because it deserves them, not because it's willing to get down on its knees in front of special interest groups and.. er.. beg. Besides, they're labour, and as such they think about the small picture, rather than the big one. The workers rather than the country as a whole. Individuals are important, but if the country folds, what good does that do the individual? So bugger the NDP, too.

The Green Party? Does anyone even know what their policies are? Realistically, I'm sure they're a good party, with policies of which I heartily approve, but the fact is that they're not a major player so I haven't bothered to look them up. Realistically, they're never going to win, and so there's no point in voting for them.

So who does that leave? The Bloc Quebecois? Please. They'd have the entire country working for the sole purpose of sustaining Quebec's particular culture. Yes, the French have played a major part in the development of Canada, and yes, French Canada is an interesting and valuable culture, but come on guys, it's one province out of the entire country. Their site isn't even available in English, so that gives you an idea of their priorities.

And so the elimination of all of the other parties brings us to the Liberals. The Liberals who have been running this country for years. This country which is respected and admired throughout the world. Seriously. People complain about them, but look at the major issues that are getting the most attention. Our national debt is.. wait, wait, we don't have a national debt. We have a surplus of around eighteen billion.
Let me put that another way.
A SURPLUS OF $18 199 000 000
Or, to put that into perspective, we have more money than america.
That money would go a long way toward things like social programs, education, healthcare, and the like. The conservatives want to spend it on the military, among other things. Do we need a military more than we need healthcare? They promise tax cuts.. where the hell is the government supposed to get its money? We want social programs and healthcare, but we want tax cuts as well. Can't have both. Sure, I'd like to not pay taxes, and to still have all of the lovely things that the government is supposed to provide, but that's not going to happen because the government has to pay for it somehow. Tax cuts sound nice, but they don't work. So the conservatives are talking about tax cuts and massive spending. Do we want a national debt? About as much as we want a conservative government.

Under the Liberals, you can marry whomever you wish, whether or not he or she happens to be of the same gender. The conservatives would like to change that, because their magic book tells them that marriage must only be between people of opposing genders. That's blatant discrimination. It would be like insisting that white people can't marry, or that asians can't have children. Should the government be discriminatory? It shouldn't even be an issue, and to the Liberals it's not. It's only because the conservatives keep thrashing about and making noise that it keeps coming up.

Similarly, if you accidentally get pregnant, you currently have a choice other than nine months of being an incubator for a child you don't even want, and that's because the Liberals are not motivated by fear of an angry but fictional old man in the sky, which the conservatives are. Think of it. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, and some people aren't ready for it. Is it better to force them into something for which they aren't ready, or to give them the choice? The conservatives think so. They think that a woman shouldn't have the right to choose. But then, their morality comes from the bible, and look at how that views women..

When you get right down to it, stephen harper is our equivalent of george w bush, and our conservatives are the same as the american republicans in far too many ways. But we're different from them. We're not a conservative country, we're a liberal country. Let's keep Canada Canadian.

The yankees have already shown us how well a conservative government works. Let's not make the same mistake that they did.

On January 23, vote Liberal.

6 January 2006 : 19.24
Right. It's a new year, and so far I've done bugger all. Yay! Here's to keeping our resolutions. A pint of Guinness, my good barkeep.
Speaking of which, the other night I went to the Irish Heather, and was assisted to two pints of the fine black gold by the fine Irish waitress who works there.
Here's a tip for you: don't ask to see her pot of gold. She doesn't like that.

So the other night I had a friend over, and I cooked for her by candle light, which is totally the best way to cook. I made her ginger pork over rice, and acorn squash roasted in butter and sugar, and steamed vegetables with my shiny new aluminium collander, and various other things. And then I made her watch cheesy 70s science fiction.
She sat by as I was getting ready for work the next morning and complained bitterly that her dreams had been full of garish neon, and hairy men in white polyester, and futuristic disco. Yes, it was Buck Rogers that I made her watch.
No, but I had to, you see. It's so delightful because it's so incredibly bad. Like the fact that from shot to shot the colour of the starfighter's lasers change from blue to green to yellow without the slightest hint of continuity, or the fact that everyone in the future uses props when they dance (rope lights, for example). But some of it is charming, in spite of all that. Like the one that we watched the other night. It's a pretty serious one.. well, in as much as such programmes can be serious, but at one point he's in a space port and if you listen closely you can hear the PA paging Captain Christopher Pike to veteran services.

Bugger. Out of time. Which is a shame because with the upcoming election, and the state of the filthy yankee government, not to mention some of the debates I've been having lately, I have a good deal more to talk about. It'll have to wait until I have more time to properly express it all. Shouldn't be long now, though.

30 December 2005 : 4.50
bugger. five o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. me, who can normally sleep soundly through anything.
fancy me losing sleep over a friend's situation. it's enough to make anyone think I cared. I'll have to watch that. think of my reputation. and with the Bastard Of The Year award barely three days away..
I'm going to have a cup of tea and worry for my friend for a bit, and hopefully fall asleep for long enough to be late for work today. hope the rest of you are having an easier night.

29 December 2005 : 11.59

just got some news that i can only describe as.. well, as shattering. for once I don't have a sarcastic comment to make.
24 December 2005 : 12.28
24 December 2005 : 11.52
Because I'll be too busy to post it tomorrow, happy christmas.

Noisier than an industrial sewage pump! More chatty than a domestic avian! Able to comprehend fuck-all without first saying it aloud to himself! It's manbudgie!
23 December 2005 : 2.32
History is littered with examples of human suffering. Over the last century alone, heinous attrocities were committed in Vietnamese prison camps, Japanese prison camps, and Nazi death camps. But without denigrating their torment, none of these victims had to endure about forty minutes of sitting beside the manbudgie as he eats a McDonald's sundae.
Honestly, you'd think that soft serve ice cream would be one of those quiet foods, wouldn't you? It isn't.

As a matter of historical interest, the above mentioned torture installations often kept prisoners for years, subjecting them to inhuman amounts of abuse. However, not all victims of these establishments were put to death. Some inmates were released from their dark cells and tiny cages to once more stand straight in the sunlight, to breath the cool, clean air of freedom. Sometimes I wonder what it must have been like to take that first fresh breath as a free man, how it must have felt to take that first step outside the Vietnamese prison camp, or the Japanese prison camp, or the Nazi death camp. Can you imagine the complexities of emotion? The lasting shock of the time spent being tortured mingled with the elation of being released? Of course, sheer delight would have been the overwhelming emotion, and thus it is from these joyful survivors that we inherit the modern term "happy campers"
Not a lot of people know that.

Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukka

So much funnikah, to celebrate Hanukka

Winona Ryder drinks manishevitz wine.
What a fine lookin' Jew!

23 December 2005 : 11.51
Time to take out the menorahs. In honour of the season, and because I'm so tired of xmas music.. have you noticed that there are only about eight xmas songs, but about thirty versions of each of them? Anyway, here:

"Okay... This is a song that uhh.. There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh.. not too many Hanukkah songs. So uhh...I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Hanukkah songs. Here we go..."

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Hanukkah!
So much funukah,
To celebrate Hanukkah!
Hanukkah is the festival of lights.
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorah.
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah.

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli!
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too.
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew.

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock",
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk
and Mr. Spock -- both Jewish.

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Hanukkah

O.J. Simpson - not a Jew.
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew -- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby.
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -- not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is -- All Three Stooges!
So many Jews are in showbiz,
Tom Cruise isn't - but I heard his agent is.

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah.
I hope I get a harmonicah
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah.
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah!
Happy Hanukkah!

prayer, the holy handjob. C'mon baby, if you really love jesus you'll do it.
22 December 2005 : 13.41
So here's the thing: christianity, and very especially catholicism, frowns heavily upon self-gratification. However, their own deity is the one who created an entire planet solely to support a race that he created, in his own image no less, whose only purpose, generation after generation, is to praise him with their every waking thought.

If that's not masturbation, I don't know what is.

Prayer, the Holy Handjob. C'mon baby, if you really love jesus you'll do it.
Pray hard! Harder! Faster! Who's your holy father? Who's your daddy? Oh yeah, jesus is coming! jesus is coming!

On a totally unrelated note, my nifty friend Jozi seems to have disappeared from my life as suddenly as she appeared.
Gone! Gone, and never called me mother! Vanished, like an old oak table. Oh woe!

Which reminds me, the Goon Show xmas pantomime awaits. This is the BBC...

18 December 2005 : 19.32
You know, the Chinese languages are nifty. Both Mandarin and Cantonese. I used to be fairly fluent in Mandarin, but I never really used it, and so I seem to have forgotten almost everything I know. I can still proudly proclaim that my mother is a pen, though, so I did benefit from learning it. Actually, it's probably for the best. I can barely find my way around English, so I should probably focus on one language at a time.
If you're not familiar with the Chinese languages, they're very interesting. They're tonal, so they involve lots of rising and falling pitches, and long, sustained sounds for emphasis.
Unfortunately, somewhere on the opposite side of my office is a guy who speaks Cantonese in such an emphatic fashion, and has such a curious voice, that each of his telephone calls sounds like someone giving a bath to a middle-aged and particularly reluctant cat.

17 December 2005 : 16.22
So after all my rabbitting on the other about corporate this and waste of time that, who shows up at my desk this morning? The vice president of operations. He sort of hovered around looking as though he wanted to chat (probably to actualise my feedback synergy or something), and then one of my coworkers arrived and lectured him about how lame she thought the company xmas party had been, having no idea who he was. I, of course, completely ignored him. I'm not looking for advancement in the company, after all, so I'm not going to go into toady-mode, am I?
Like I'm the toadying type. Besides, he's kinda creepy. And dull, at the same time, in that particularly grey, drab fashion unique to high-level businessmen. I find that high-level business women don't get dull, they get really annoying. Which is almost as bad. Almost. There's something amazingly developed about the sheer volume of the field of dullness that surrounds a truly high powered corporate executive businessman type. It's like they ensnare and digest all of the fun in the room as they walk in, leaving vague discomfort in its place. Particularly those who try to be light and fun themselves. They're the entertainment equivalent of soundproofing.

I was reading an article about how the Alabama school board has voted (unanimously, no less) to keep calling evolution "a controversial theory" and has stuck labels in science textbooks to that effect.
just.. wow.
You know, the southern US has a reputation for being populated by stupid, backward, bible-thumping hicks. Personally, I know a few people from the southern US, including Ala.. Alabamites? Alabambinos? and they're intelligent, sensible, and nifty. But when you read articles like this you can certainly see where the stereotype comes from. So unto the rest of Alabamistan I say this: if you don't want to be taken for stupid, backward, bible-thumping hicks, stop acting like stupid, backward, bible-thumping hicks and doing things like this.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be an intelligent person living in that sort of environment. It must be like being stuck in a small, stiflingly hot and dusty closet.

My god, this is the twenty-first century, people! creationism should be pointed at and ridiculed like the flat Earth model, and bleeding sick patients to remove bad humours, and flogiston. The whole concept is patently ridiculous, and people who believe it should be regarded in the same manner as people who actually believe that the number thirteen is unlucky, or that the stars control people's lives, or that Elvis has been seen in a supermarket in Florida. Believing in a giant pixie in the sky that created the entire universe, and yet has never provably been seen is significantly less credible than believing one's self to be Napoleon. At least Napoleon really existed. Hell, you could make a better case for the existence of Gandalf than of god.

It just boggles the mind that people can believe this mindless drivel. But the worst part about this particular story is that the school board there rejected elementary school science text books that ""discussed evolution and natural selection, which were regarded "controversial material at a grade level that is not developmentally ready for such controversial material," according to a series of Sept. 28 memos sent to school board members."
But take a wild guess where those children are every Sunday. Poor bastards, most of them don't have a chance to start using their brain before it's mired with religious nonsense. They don't get a choice, they get drowned in dogma from day one. What kind of start in life is that?

The Death Star plans are NOT in the main computer.
You will become one with The Borg. You will all become one with The Borg.
15 December 2005 : 19.51
Speaking of money, I've been toy shopping online. Well, window toy shopping. Online. Windows shopping. Whatever. The important thing is that I've been looking at pretty things.
For example, I need a new helmet for my motorcycle. Check out this sexy action. Oooh.. it's like something out of a science fiction series or something. Coat that face shield with limo black and stick it on a gloss black shell and it's practically a Peacekeeper Prowler pilot helmet. Stick the same shield on a titanium shell and it's very KOTOR Sith trooper. It's just that it's about $600 Canadian. But still, ooo...

Also, looking at wireless headsets for my cel. phone, largely because it hurts to talk for more than an hour with that flat plastic thing pressed into my ear. Besides, I drive a standard, and steering and shifting while holding the phone is a bugger. I'm looking at this headset, since it's beautiful, but I haven't had a chance to try one out. Fortunately, a friend of mine at work has one of these, which is almost the same thing, which he's going to lend me so that I can give it a try. Yay technology!

With its dress codes, job descriptions, and mission statements the corporation tells you how to dress, how to act, how to think. They buy huge segments of your life, eight hours at a time. So when you get right down to it, you're just a suit with a price tag.
15 December 2005 : 14.25
Oh dear.. the CEO of the company is in town, so all of the corporate drones are dashing madly about trying to make the place pretty. The atmosphere is thick with frenzied sycophantery as the various supervisors and other assorted staff prepare to make the most of their window of opportunity, this one, brief, shining chance to rise above and beyond the other toadies in the eyes of their great ruler, and maybe get a pat on their little corporate heads.

feh. Corporate nonsense. I mean, ultimately, everyone right up to the CEO does the same thing day after day, whether they're down in the trenches dealing with the public or up in the great ivory tower lording it over the minions, everyone from front line to president spends every day the same way. The only difference is what they actually do, and how much they get paid to do it. So what does it matter whether you're a peon in the trenches or an enormously overpaid executive if that much of your time every day is being spent in such an unfulfilling pursuit?

The corporate world is like the military, but without the relatively frequent change of scenery. Slog through day after day, jump through hoops, talk the nonsensical talk, try to be different so that you're noticed, but not too different in case they think you're not a team player. Try to catch the attention of the higher-ups so that they might eventually advance you a rung up the ladder if you prove yourself worthy. But then you're one rung up the ladder, still jumping through the hoops, still talking the nonsensical talk, and nothing's actually different. Though at least now you have a more impressive title, be it "customer care supervisor" or "group captain" or whatever. And all the time the mission statement is being drummed into your head.

But for all of your promotions, for all of your pay increases, where's the sense of accomplishment? Of expression or satisfaction? It really depends upon what you want out of life. If you're a corporate person, that's fine. But if spending every day the same way just for money isn't enough, if living for your weekends just so that you can take some time to yourself isn't your idea of a good use of your life, corporate life may not be for you.
Think about it. Time is the most valuable thing we have. Every second is unique, and that makes it priceless. And yet how much does your company pay you for an entire hour of your time? Eight dollars? Twelve? Twenty? And if you think you're getting a good deal, you just try to buy back that time. Every second that disappears into the past can never be lived again. People fight to hold onto their youth, and they plan for their retirement, but what they are actually doing is spending their youth working toward that retirement rather than enjoying their youth while it lasts, and why? So that once they have retired they can look back on their youth and realise that they wasted it working toward their retirement. Youth really is wasted on the young, isn't it? They spend it all planning for the future and letting the precious seconds slip away. Where did 2005 go? 2004? The years go past so quickly while each week drags slowly toward the weekend.
Why do we count our lives in weekends? "Just four more days to the weekend!" The weekend is just two days. Most of the time we just write off the other five. And for some reason, most of us are ok with that. Or we just don't think about it. There's more to life than getting that promotion, or getting a raise.

Now, I'm not some hippy preaching that if we all just had love and peace we wouldn't need money. Obviously money makes the world go around. But personally, I want more out of life than that. I want to create, express, accomplish. I want to be able to look back at every day and know that I didn't waste it, that I treated it like the precious, unique treasure that it was.

Of course, for some of you it actually is all about the financial gain. Your life revolves around the acquisition of wealth. And good for you. That kind of happiness is easy to find. If the office environment is what you want, if the corporate ladder is your road to the future, and other such clichés, then great. You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love then that's what you'll receive.

[FLASH] Ah ha ha ha! I am the Demon King! And I'm here to ruin yet another mortal's life! Now, who shall I choose? You? Or you? Or maybe y.. no, I've already done you.
11 December 2005 : 12.26
I'm sad, and unhappy. Both at the same time. It's Sunday, shortly after noon. In a normal year I'd be in the dressing room getting myself all demonified for the panto matinee. Doing my makeup, getting into my excessively cool costume..
Unfortunately, it's not a normal year, and there's no joy in pantoville. No panto this year for me, for the cast, the crew, or the literally thousands of people who faithfully come each year to laugh and sing and enjoy this most unique of holiday traditions. The world seems so incomplete without it. It's unthinkable to have winter without panto, and yet here we are. No rehearsals late into the evening, no silliness that ends up with people collapsed on the stage from laughter, no weekend mornings where the cast and crew arrive bundled against the cold, clutching steaming cups of awful theatre coffee and being so glad to see each other. There's no feeling of joy and wonder as each day brings the sets and costumes that much closer to completion, forging the spectacle that makes panto so delightful, and no thrill in watching the ticket sales climb, knowing that many of those people come year after year because they love what we create. No autographs, meeting the kids up close so that they can insist that not only are my horns not real, I'm not even really all that evil. The little bastards. No waiting in the wing for my cue, that little shiver deep inside that's still there, even after all these years. There are no songs, no "it's behind you!" and no "oh no it isn't!" There's no slapstick, no special effects, no cheering the hero and booing the villain, and no applause. This year there's no magic.

[ sigh ]

The range of human stupidity is unimaginably boundless, and with the right turbines to harness it, could be used to generate unlimited power.
11 December 2005 : 11.48
In other news, as I'm sure you already know, several christian peace activists have been kidnapped in Iraq. Canoe has the story. Two of these christian peace activists are Canadian.
You know, something like this really hits home, really makes a point. I know that I'm always critical, always opinionated, but when something like this happens, there's a question I have to ask:

Where's god now?
Hm? You're all "oh, god's all powerful and he protects his followers and he works in mysterious ways" etc etc blah blah blah, but when you're captured by godless heathens(tm) while you're doing the lord's work, you'd think that god would step in and do something. But has he taken action to smite those who would harm the faithful? Noooo, he's done bollocks, mate. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Not so much as given one of the kidnappers a cold. So mighty is the hand of god that he's obviously got better things to do with it* than protect his followers, given that he's ignoring the suffering of the faithful here. In the stories of the bible he used to regularly lay waste to entire cities, appear and give commands, smite whomsoever he bloody well felt like smiting, but these days he does nothing. Why not? What's different now from then, from his point of view? If anything, it's all much worse than it was when he got so angry as to do the fire and brimstone trick, so where is he now?
It's almost like he doesn't exist. Like the stuff in the stories was just fiction, and that's why there's no flaming bitchslap from the sky. And yet still, in spite of all of the evidence and common sense to the contrary, people believe it. Which just goes to prove the old maxim that you can never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
My theory is that that's what the machines were harnessing in The Matrix. It's not power being generated by humans, because that's stupid. The human body doesn't generate enough electricity to power the machines needed to sustain itself. That is to say that in order for a human battery to work like it does in the movies, the amount of power that is necessary to keep that human alive must be less than the amount generated by that human by quite a bit. Since this isn't the case, there's no way that the human battery concept could have worked. Unless the machines have found a way to convert stupidity into energy. That's why they connect the humans' brains to the matrix. The matrix gives the humans a chance to generate massive amounts of stupidity through their interaction with the world, and that stupidity is harvested and converted into power. Brilliant! There would be easily enough to power the matrix, maintain the humans, and power an entire civilisation of machines. And there wouldn't be any need to worry about conservation because human stupidity is an infinitely renewable resource. But if they did have a crisis, they could always break out georgie bush. He could light up a city all by himself. They could keep him in cryogenic storage for emergencies.

*I'm not saying what, of course, but you notice that there's no Mrs god, and a deity's got needs...

Happy Alvistide! Unless you're Krebbish, or Shiekra, or Hempist, or Mandu, of course. Then happy Nine Nights of Krebula! Merry Shiekradon!
11 December 2005 : 10.24
Wow I'm sleepy. I was up until late last night watching Sealab 2021. The night went thus:
That was hilarious! Ok, it's late, and I have to work in a few hours, so just one more episode.
If you haven't seen it, you must, for it is good. Obviously, as it stars Erik-freaking-Estrada.
I like Adult Swim muchly, from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Harvey Birdman to Space Ghost, it's all delightful. Though the new Brak Show is bordering on lame, I must admit.

On a completely unrelated note, downtown is lovely this morning. The city is cosily wrapped in thick white fog, and christmas music is playing from the PA system on Canada Place. It's cool, fresh, and crisp, and for once I'm not too hot.
Also, I'm still dropping weight like crazy. Which is a bit of a problem, actually, because now I have to crank my belt in rather tightly to stop my pants from escaping.
I know, like escaping pants has ever been a bad thing.
I blame the hill I have to climb to my apartment every day. It's a bugger of a workout, but the benefit is enormous. My stomach is flatter than it's ever been, and clothes which were bought to be snug now hang loosely in a way I would never have thought possible. Seriously, my thighs don't even touch any longer, even when I walk, which has never happened before. Wow.. it's bizarre. Though now I have monster calves from walking up the hill every night. HUGE. A friend said I had dancer's legs, and she'd know. But this is bad, you see, because it's hard enough to pull up the.. now there's a thought. Why aren't the legs of jeans called sleeves? I mean, in every sense that's exactly what they are, and yet we don't call them that. Anyway, I have a bugger of a time pulling up the legs of my jeans so that I can tie my boots.

In happy news, I get to see the Ngaire for sushi on Monday. That's always good. She's so cool!

This post brought to you by Grizzlebee's. You'll wish you had less fun!

10 December 2005 : 18.39
Oh, and why are wolves always bad guys and monsters? As if they don't have it hard enough with humanity hunting them, they have to be villified at every opportunity so that the tide of public sympathy is turned against them? In these days of desperate conservation, that's blatantly irresponsible. Fuck you, Narnia.

10 December 2005 : 18.36
So the other night I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. On IMAX, no less. In my opinion, the book is the best of the series so far, but it's so complex that I wasn't expecting the movie to include much of it. After all, the amount of time that it would take to create the world cup alone would be enormous, not to mention the running time of the film. It's long as it is, and still there are complaints about how it's incomplete.
But bugger the critics, the film is splendid. It takes all of the important stuff and makes it a delightful movie that's probably the best of the lot, so far. It's different enough from the book that it stands apart from it, but similar enough that it's obviously the same story. Most people who are upset about the movie are upset that it doesn't keep strictly to the book, but it's a completely different medium, and that would be, frankly, impossible. So shut up.
The only complaint, the only one that I have about the entire film was Moody's articifial leg. I'm not giving anything away here for those who have neither seen the book nor read the movie. His artificial leg is supposed to be made from carved wood, since this is the magical world and most things are old-fashioned, and yet they've made it look all surgical steel. It's more like something out of Robocop than Harry Potter's world, and I don't see the need for it. Obviously, the actor has two legs, and they needed a convincing way to make it clear that he had an artificial one without having to muck about too much with the shots or digital editing or anything, so they gave him a modern one that could be worn under his clothes, but they could have given the leg a carved wood look and it would have served the same purpose.
But when you get right down to it, that's a tiny, unimportant detail, and it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that it's a good movie. And that the Doctor's in it. That doesn't hurt. :)

04 December 2005 : 16.08
This is scary.. I didn't know that Google was so invasive. We all knew about Gator, but Google? ick.. It offends me to think that anyone can install something on my computer and use it to direct advertising at me. Hooray for Linux and its increased security, since most developers of spyware aim it at the sieve that is Windows.

Meanwhile, bushco continues its campaign of shock and awe against the environment. Because what does it matter if the environment is destroyed as long as cheney keeps making money from halliburton, right?

A chef? A white hatted ponce?
01 December 2005 : 18.20
Still learning to cook, and damn, I'm good. I can roast, fry, poach, steam, grill, boil, and now I can bake. Wanna see me comb my hair really fast?

1 December 2005 : 15.22
World AIDS Day.

Meanwhile, I think we've just found the reason for the super high divorce rate. People expect the crazy romantic love phase to persist throughout the entire relationship, through marriage and everything, but biologically speaking, that doesn't happen. There's a protein called nerve growth factors that's responsible for that crazy thing called love, and that protein declines after the first little while, taking with it the heady feeling of intoxication that comes with romantic entanglement. And in my never-so-humble opinion, to which the entire world is obviously entitled, today's thrill-seeking populace, already used and devoted to short-term gratification, misses that rush profoundly, and that's why there's so much cheating even in happy marriages. I mean, obviously there's the sex, but more than that, there's the excitement of someone new, and that recaptures the thrill of the first desperate throes of romantic love. Even if it's not actually love. They say that rape isn't about the sex (though I'm sure that it's at least a little bit about the sex), but about the feeling of control and power. I think that the same thing applies to cheating. It's not so much about the sex as it is about the thrill. Never having cheated on anyone, I can't say with any degree of certainty, of course, but it makes sense.
Now that I think about it, French & Saunders did a sketch about that.
And also, plenty of people probably associate love in general with that urgent silliness that comes with the early stages of a new relationship, and when that goes away, they feel that the magic has gone out of their marriage, or that their feelings toward their SO have changed. But if that's the case, just about every marriage must be doomed because it's biological.
Anyway, that's my theory based upon the work of Piergluigi Politi as quoted by the BBC from his report in The Psychoneuroendocrinology Journal.
So is love a real thing, then, or is it purely the invention of poets and greeting card manufacturers? A good question, and one which I'll have to go on about at length. So much to write, so little time. :)

If Jimmie has four red apples, and Bobbie has two green apples, who gives a fuck?
25 November 2005 : 18.17
Help wanted: Must not be white, male
Federal department official e-mails ban on Caucasians

Now, stop me if you've heard this one:
"What the fuck?"
Hiring quotas are ridiculous at the best of times, since by their nature they're discriminatory, but this? The article states that:

Canada's federal benchmark for hiring visible minorities is one-in-five. Public Works' proportion of female, disabled, aboriginal and non-white new hires fell from one in eight in March to one in twenty in September of this year."

That means that if you have hired four white guys, and it comes down to two applicants who are equally qualified, with one being a white male and the other being a visible minority (tell me how women are a minority!), they have to select against the white guy. For no other reason than because he's a white guy. Hell, even if he's better qualified, they're required to select against him because they have a quota. That's blatant, government-mandated discrimination, and it's not right regardless of who stands to benefit. Just imagine if they tried to create a policy that stated that only white males would be hired. So how is this ok?
If someone is well suited to the position for which they are applying, race and gender should not be a factor. Period. Even if the person applying is unfortunate enough to be a white male in the twenty-first century. Racism is discrimination on the basis of race, not discrimination on the basis of race unless the person happens to be white. Sexism is discrimination on the basis of gender, not discrimination on the basis of gender unless the person happens to be male. Racism and sexism are supposed to be anathema to the government's intent, and yet here they are actively promoting it. And to what end?
What it comes down to is that white males are being made to suffer because not enough people who don't happen to be white males are either sufficiently qualified or sufficiently interested to apply for the positions. The solution is not to stop people who are qualified or interested from getting these jobs!
Some might say that if white males are the majority (since everyone else is apparently a minority), it makes sense that they would hold the majority of the jobs. If you give five apples to five of your friends, and four of those apples are red, how many of your friends have red apples? If you have eight jobs going, and only one person applies who isn't a white male, you're not going to meet your quota of one in five minorities, are you? Does that mean that you should refuse to hire the other seven?

I'm furious about this. It doesn't even affect me, though I do happen to be a white male, but it's obscene, offensive behaviour that can only be divisive. It doesn't unite anyone, it doesn't grant opportunities, it generates resentment among the party being discriminated against. Yes, I'm very sorry that the ancestors of today's white male were responsible for so much oppression and enslavement and conquest and everything, but why should today's white male be held responsible, punished for the behaviour of his ancestors? Is that remotely fair? So you have me, who has never said or done a racist thing in his life, banned now from getting this job because of the colour of my skin.
Not that I want the job, but suppose I needed it? This sort of policy is wrong just as much as if it applied to any other group of people, and it should not be tolerated by anyone, regardless of the side of the discrimination on which they happen to fall. Don't these officials realise how destructive such a policy would be? How it will generate a backlash against the groups not being discriminated against? How many women cursed all men during their fight for the right to vote? How many slaves hated all white people in the days before slavery was abolished? Elevate one group over another and there will be resentment and hostility. Discriminate against just one group and their response will be that much more vitriolic. In a nation where racism is largely a minor concern in spite of the massive amount of political correctness which still permeates the environment, but one which the government is still fighting to stamp out, this is possibly the worst move that could have been made.

Fortunately, it's not actually going to happen, but it should never have come up.

My name is Joe...
20 November 2005 : 13.09
So last night I went out for dessert to Sweet Revenge, a little place in Vancouver. From the outside it might seem like an ordinary coffee shop, but don't let that fool you. It is, in fact, not an ordinary coffee shop at all. It is in fact, an inordinary coffee shop.
If you manage to find it by its tiny little doorway, you pass into what appears to be a Victorian teahouse. It's small, about the size of the average $1000/month apartment in Yaletown. "Wee" is the word for which I am searching, I think. They have a fine array of desserts, though, and coffees, and various other things. The chocolate gateau was fabulous, and the French roasted press coffee a delight.
And speaking of delights, they say that one of Vancouver's, and indeed Canada's strengths is the delightful variety of our people. "Diversity, not assimilation" is the cry. And last night my dessert was brought to me by a bald gay Chinese man with a French Canadian accent. How's that for diversity?
19 November 2005 : 17.43
So I'm at work, and there's a football match on the television. And by football, I mean american football. You know, the one in which the ball rarely actually encounters a foot.
Anyway, watching this game, I fail to see the point. There's a lot of stamping around by the players, a lot of shouting by the coaches, and then everyone gets ready to actually play. From the time play begins there's a brief rush of activity which lasts about eight seconds at most, and then everyone stops to have a rest before the whole cycle repeats. And people watch this? For entertainment? Chess is more exciting.
Mind you, it's not surprising that they have to stop to rest so frequently. They wear enough armour, don't they? It must weigh a tonne. And to think that "football" players have this reputation for being huge tough guys..

"I do find it odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility feels compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just to play rugby." - Rupert Giles, Englishman

'Erin Gray Gets Rogered!' That would have been a good slogan for the show. Oh come on, like you wouldn't have watched it.
17 November 2005 : 19.00
So the other night I collapsed, exhausted, onto my couch with a mug of hot chocolate and watched an episode of <echo> Buck Rogers in the 25th Century! </echo>
Brought to you by Glen A. Larson, it's every bit as bad as Battlestar Galactica, only slightly later in the 70s, so with better effects.
That said, it takes only two words to describe the appeal of that show: Erin Gray.
Yes, Erin Gray as Col. Wilma Deering, commander of Earth's defence forces, and proud owner of dozens of shiny skin-tight jumpsuits whose zippers only close until about halfway up her chest. Even though later they stuck her in that unforgivably stupid flight attendent outfit. This was science fiction in 1979, ladies and gentlemen. Girls in tight and/or revealing outfits, hairy men in tight and/or revealing outfits, and an uncomplicated plot if there was still room in the budget. I think that's why Star Wars was such a success. Rather than spreading the demand for hairy men and revealing outfits amongst the cast, they concentrated both into one character. The hairiest man in the most revealing outfit that science fiction had ever known, and thus Chewbacca secured Star Wars's place in science fiction history.
That's just my theory, of course, but I'll defend it until I come up with a better one.
That said, <echo> Buck Rogers in the 25th Century! </echo> has its charm, and not just because I remember it from when it first aired. It's dreadful, yes, and almost painful to watch, but there's a certain appeal, even aside from Erin Gray's barely concealed talents. For example, at one point in the episode I saw, they had Buster Crabbe on as Col. Gordon of the Earth defence force. How cool is that?
With Mel Blanc as Twiki, the robot sidekick, and Jack Palance as a freaky evangelist type. Is that not entertainment?

Yes it is. Shut up.

Moving on. I finally bought a dining set. You care about that. No, you do. It's steel and glass, and rather pretty, I think. I'm tempted to stick a light under the frosted glass table surface, but that might be too Star Trek.

As you can see here, we've pan-fried the asparagus in butter, lightly sprinkled the squash with white sugar to make it caramelise in the oven, and seared the outside of our roast in vegetable oil and seasoning salt to seal in the juices while it cooks. Now, let's check on our potatoes.
17 November 2005 : 16.47
jesus, it's been ages. Rumours of my death, and all that. I'm still here, still alive. Now I have a couple of minutes to myself. Yay!
That means that maybe I can finally finish that post I'm halfway through about the whole Katrina disaster relief thing. It's only a couple of months later than I had planned.
I can catch up on my email. I'm more than a couple of months behind on that. But I've been busy! I had a show, for one thing. It was nifty.. a murder mystery. I've mentioned it before, so pay attention. Anyway, it went off really well. I had to sing, and I was terrified, but somehow it all worked out. People even told me that I was good. Wow.. how scary is that.
But that's a happy thing, and forgive me for indulging in it for a moment but you see singing in public is one of those things that's always been difficult for me. There are some things that some people just can't do, and that's one of them, so for me to have finally overcome that and not just been acceptable but actively good, that's really quite a thing, and I'm still beaming over it.
It's like cooking. I've always been a terror in the kitchen, but recently I've started learning to cook. My mother's been teaching me because she's a hell of a cook herself, and she has some great insight. As I see it, cooking shouldn't be difficult for me. It's basically like chemistry and painting. That is to say that how it works is just chemistry, but the taste is like painting. As the Doctor says, "flavours are rather like primary colours; you blend two to achieve a third and so on, etc etc." Since I have a scientific mind but with definite artistic tendencies, I should be good at it, and yet I never have been, so that's been annoying me for years.
Now, however, I'm producing Shepherd's Pie, stir-fry, roast pork, and all sorts of other things left, right, and centre. And, amazingly, I seem to know what I'm doing. So yay for me!
And weirdly, I'm finding that making food for myself is way more satisfying than paying someone to do it for me.
I know. Like manual labour is ever satisfying. And yet...

Ah, the best laid plans of mice. A few months ago I bought a pair of jeans that invited the casual observer to come and shag me. As indeed all good pairs of jeans should. They didn't fit me, but that was the point. It was one of those motivational things. The sort of plan that involves purchasing something that you can't actually wear, and hanging it somewhere visible so that every day you realise that you still can't wear it, get depressed, and go and eat ice cream and/or chocolate. So these jeans were of a size that would fit my stature, but not my body fat volume. Had I tried to wear them, they might have been mistaken for a denim wetsuit, so tight would they have been. Anyway, today I wore them to work. With a belt to keep them up.
So in answer to your question, yes, I am that sexy bitch.

Now then, I have a lot to say, so I'll have to leave this here until I can sit down and get properly caught up. Hopefully it won't be long.

Violently-Kirsten. Rrrrrrowrrr...
14 October 2005 : 18.38
It's October, and that means that xmas is just around the corner. Dear Santa, all I want for xmas this year is...

... pretty obvious, really, isn't it?

Now, on a completely unrelated topic, why is Effem promoting Mars as an energy bar? It's chocolate. To call it an energy bar just cheapens it. Chocolate needs no justification, people, for it is holy.
Except for american chocolate. That stuff's an abomination. Mmm... paraffin.


Oh, public service announcement: apparently if a blind person walks into you and you tell them to watch where they're going, that's considered "tactless"

In stupid news, the catholics are wondering about baptising intelligent non-Terrestrial life, when we encounter it. As someone on Fark said, why not? catholic priests have been probing Uranus for years..
But seriously, how are they going to cope with that? I mean, god's supposed to have created the entire universe, right? And he's supposed to have created man (not humanity, mind you. No gender equality here) in his own image. So what happens when Tars Tarkus of Barsoom arrives? Was he created in god's image, too? Is god a huge green bastard with four arms and tusks?

Now then, I had a chance to see Corpse Bride recently..
Damn Tim Burton is good. It was delightful. So much so that I had to download the soundtrack when I got home. Elfman outdoes himself, and Remains Of The Day is wonderful.. the most swinging bit of plot exposition I've ever heard. Danse Macabre was never like this before. : )

Hey, give me a listen
You corpses of cheer
At least those of you
Who still got an ear
I’ll tell you a story
Make a skeleton cry
Of our own jubilisciously lovely Corpse Bride
09 October 2005 : 19.38
Ah, thanksgiving. One of the many holidays on which we justify stuffing outselves stupid with food. Not one member of my family is remotely religious, and no one of us was born in Canada, but still we celebrate thanksgiving because food is important. As is any excuse to get the family together.
It's thanksgiving! Family dinner! It's xmas! Family dinner! It's Thursday! Family dinner!

And now, a few words from one of our greatest wise men:

But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16 ( mumbles ). They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats." They finally got there and said, "Ah, this is where our God has brought us to! We can practice our religion here, we can raise a family. There's nobody here! Excuse me. There's nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existence- who the fuck are these guys? (mimes the headdress) What's all this, please? No, we don't want any of your food, thank you very much! Just put some clothes on!"

Meanwhile, that winter… "Excuse me, do you have any food? (mimes the headdress) I love all this, love the idea! (chuckles) Yes, I'm sorry, we were a bit brusque when we first arrived, we didn't realize you owned the entire country. But you have no system of ownership? Mmm, interesting! Maybe that can come in useful later. Food! Thank you very much, very nice. Yes, there're more of us coming but we'll keep our promises." So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel.

Here endeth the lesson.

Allons enfants de la Patrie, Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
09 October 2005 : 12.22
Migraines suck.

Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Real american hero he may be, but G.I.Joe toys in Canada came with Canadian flag decals, too, so that the characters could be real heros rather than just international bullies. Amazing what a difference the flag makes, isn't it? The difference between peacekeepers and thugs.
What I don't get is why the "real american hero" logo incorporates a French Tricolore flag.

08 October 2005 : 13.29
The semi annual fire and safety inspection of my apartment building is coming up. Bugger. That means that I have to go around taking all of the radiation and biohazard warnings off everything if I want to avoid awkward questions. Terribly inconvenient.

A girl at work just said I was smooth. I'm not sure what she means by that, but I'll take it as a compliment.

In other news, and I'm going to be a game geek here for a minute, I had a chance to check out Dungeon Siege II the other night. It's very pretty, but they've buggered up the interface. If you're not familiar with Dungeon Siege, it's a party-based quest game, sort of halfway between role-playing and shooter in that there's no allocating of points, or careful levelling up. The main focus is on action rather than story or character. They've added more character-building options in Dungeon Siege II, though, giving players the option to choose skills, powers, etc.
In the Dungeon Siege game world you control a hero, you hire party members, and you carry out quests. As you carry out those quests, whichever skill you use is where your abilities grow. So if you use a hammer or an axe, you gain levels in melee combat, your strength and stamina increase, and so on. If you cast a lot of spells, your intelligence increases, as does your mana limit. Pretty simple stuff, really. But the best part of the first game, for me, was the party-based combat. You could hire characters along the various quests to join your party, and then you could set the formation, the stance, and the tactics of that party. So you could march through the forest or wherever with your melee characters in front and your physically weaker ranged characters (archers, casters) safely behind, and when your party encountered an enemy you could have each character configured so that he/she would move freely, move to engage, or hold ground, attack freely, defend, or hold fire, and target the strongest, weakest, or closest enemy. It made party-based combat something that you could easily control to the maximum effect, either micromanaging every little detail or configuring your characters for the best possible strategy in each unexplored area. But in Dungeon Siege II they've buggered my favourite parts of the game. They've reduced the party to four members only (you have to finish the game two full times before they give you back your complete party), taken away the party control, the stances, and everything. All you have now is mirror, where all of the members of your party do the same thing that you do, and rampage, where they all run everywhere and attack everything. And your own character sucks in combat. You have to right-click every enemy you want to attack, and hold the freaking button if you don't want your character to stop. And though there's a setting which is supposed to cause your character to attack everything in sight, I found that mine still spent a lot of time standing staring off into space while the rest of her party was getting hammered by big scary monsters. She only reacted when someone actually took a whack at her.

So in case you were wondering, Dungeon Siege II is very pretty, but the combat and play control sucks. Still a fun game, but in terms of gameplay I find it much less complete than its predecessor.

Can't wait for Supreme Commander, though. Wow... it looks magnificent.

I set my mother on the quest to find me a Microsoft Strategic Commander on eBay, since she's an eBay ninja and you can't buy them new at a reasonable price any more. She found me one for eight dollars. How cool is that? It looks like a fun toy, and possibly really useful for games like Dungeon Siege, Warcraft III, and the upcoming Supreme Commander, so I'm looking forward to giving it a go. For eight dollars it's hardly a gamble, is it?

Vancouver's West End
05 October 2005 : 19.32
Yay! Vancouver is the world's most desirable place to live.
Well, obviously.
I could have told you that. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?

I found this post on the Fark discussion thread on the subject:
Here's my little story about Vancouver - for what it's worth.

A couple of years ago, I took a week in May to visit relatives in the Seattle, WA area. Generally, had an EXCELLENT time! Uncharacteristicly sunny and beautiful weather predominated. One day the wife and I decided to drive up and spend the day in Vancouver. I'd heard good things, held fairly high expectations, and was still blown away . . .

We had no particular destinations in mind, but eventually we found ourselves in Stanley Park/Island. We wandered through it in complete awe: saw an outdoor art exhibit, listened to various minstrels . . . . Again, the day was perfect - sunny, high of about 72, clear, sharp blue skies. We ate on the patio of a restaurant near the high point of the island with a post card views of the ocean, surrounding evergreens, and mountains.

That day is possibly at the top of my list of days I would gladly re-live (Groundhog Day style). I really understand why Vancouver would be ranked highly on a list like this. Honestly, I'd love to live there. Does anyone have suggestions on immigrating?

/frustrated to be stuck in Dallas, TX.
04 October 2005 : 13.31
I am a leaf on the wind...

... watch how I soar.

I've been waiting for this movie since they first announced it, and it's out for three days before I get a chance to see it. Does that seem right to you?
02 October 2005 : 13.39
Yay! At last Serenity is out! Numfar, do the dance of joy!

I've been waiting for this for such a long time. Firefly was such an incredibly good series, and it was criminal when it was cancelled. But now Serenity is in the theatres and getting excellent reviews, from what I've seen. Not that reviews actually mean anything, of course, since most critics have no taste.
At least, they have no taste if their opinions disagree with mine. If they don't.. well, then they're ok.
If you've never seen Firefly, you're seriously missing out. It's one of, if not the best science fiction series to come out in a long time. I could go on about it's good points for ages, but I'll confine myself to saying that it's an instant favourite, and I recommend it to anyone. Even non-SF fans.

Now I'm not a stalker by nature, but I just found out that Jewel Staite, little Kaylee, lives here in Vancouver, so now I just have to find out where she hangs out and casually bump into her.
Yes she's married, but that won't matter, and you know why? Because I'm so very, very pretty. : )

Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand.
I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me
Take me out to the black tell, them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me

She's a transport ship, Firefly class

"Here's how it is: the Earth got used up, so we moved out, and terraformed a whole new galaxy of Earths. Some rich and flush with the new technologies, some not so much. The central planets, them as formed the Alliance, waged war to bring everyone under their rule. A few idiots tried to fight 'em. Among them, myself. I'm Malcolm Reynolds, captain of Serenity. She's a transport ship, Firefly class. Got a good crew. Fighters, pilot, mechanic. We even picked up a preacher, for some reason, and a bonifide companion. There's a doctor, too, took his genius sister out of some Alliance camp so they're keeping a low profile. You understand. You got a job, we can do it. Don't much care what it is."

Look out men! That squid is armed!
29 September 2005 : 19.51
Wow.. been terribly busy lately. I've only had a chance to update the site today, though I'd been writing little bits here and there all week when I had a second to spare. I'm terribly behind on lots of things, including my email. I'll get back to everyone in the next couple of days.. promise!

I'm in a murder mystery at the moment. I'm Big Harry Coppola, a mob boss who's had a whole collection of mistresses. Woo!
I have to sing.

In other news, Japanese zoologists have stolen the arm from a giant squid they filmed in his natural habitat.
Yes, the article says that it's a tentacle, but it's not. For one thing, it's not the right shape, and for another, squids only have two tentacles, which they use to capture prey, and the zoologists said that the injury didn't pose a threat to the squid's survival. How could he possibly catch his prey with only one tentacle? So it's an arm, and the journalists are guilty of not researching their story.
Anyway, he's a giant squid, filmed in his own home. Wow.. just look at those pictures. Beautiful, isn't he?

If he had a gay son, he would have to call him Phil McKraken.

Yes, two jokes for the price of one!

McKraken? Son of Kraken, the giant squid? Phil McCracken the gay Scotsman?
Please yourselves.

Number three, the Larch.
27 September 2005 : 13.25
Oh [ sob ] Say it ain't so!
Actually, I haven't found this to be the case in my various interactions with people. You can take that however you like, but the point is that I've rarely encountered anyone, male or female, who's indifferent to sex, or who thinks that it's overrated, so I question the accuracy of the study (who they surveyed, etc).
Cute picture, though.

And I can't be the only person who finds it funny that the authority on non-verbal communication they interviewed is a spokesperson for Vaseline, and her name is Patti Wood?
Patti Wood? Vaseline?

I have my own fun.

Fat Bastard Wine
26 September 2005 : 16.22
So I've been attempting to force myself to drink red wine lately because not only is it apparently good for your heart, etc, it's actually good for your brain. I'm not big on alcohol.. the very occasional pint of Guinness or Kilkenny is about all I ever drink. Not that I have anything against drinking, mind you. I'm not on some moral high horse about how it's bad or anything. I just don't like the sharp, sort of bitey taste of alcohol. As a result of my not drinking, I've very little tolerance for alcohol these days. One drink and I start to get flushed and slightly tipsy. Three drinks and I'm anybody's.
Which just goes to show how stupid the whole concept of "legal drinking age" is. To most people, alcohol is one of those things that they don't get to have until they reach nineteen except when they sneak out with their friends and go drinking somewhere after dark, or at a party or something. It's only a big thing because it's a big thing. It's no wonder that so many of them rush out and get hammered every night as soon as they're legally allowed to. It's no wonder people don't drink responsibly.. they have no practice. My parents took the view that what they could have, we could have, and so my brother and I had access to moderate amounts of alcohol from a very young age. My parents enforced moderation, just as they did with candy, coffee, etc., but we were allowed to have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer if we were at a party. As a result, alcohol was never a big mystery, and so I was never even tempted to sneak out and go drinking after dark, or to get absolutely hammered just for the sake of it. I had better things to do with my time, since drinking just wasn't a big thing. It would be like sneaking out to go and eat chips with your friends. Really, what's the fuss?
If you make something illegal, all secret and mysterious, people will want to try it. If you make it a commonplace part of life, people appreciate it for what it is. Realistically, why should chips and alcohol be any different?

The opponents of my point of view say that they have to stop the kids from drinking until they're old enough to drink responsibly, and they cite the stupid things that teenagers do when drunk as evidence, but I think that the stupid things that teenagers do when drunk proves just the opposite. If you never give them a chance to learn to be responsible, and keep it a big mystery, they're not going to know how to handle it because they've never had a chance. The only experience they have is when they're out having fun, so it's no wonder they over do it. The first (and last) time I had tequila I didn't realise how strong it was, and I hugely underestimated it. That's a whole different story, but it was a bit of a disaster because I didn't realise what I was getting myself into. Lack of experience, see? So restricting drinking until nineteen is stupid, since it means that at nineteen everyone is magically supposed to inherit the familiarity with alcohol that they need in order to be responsible, even though they officially have no previous experience with it. Bloody stupid policy, if you ask me.

Let me put it this way: I grew up with alcohol as a normal, everyday thing rather than a big mystery, as did my brother, and the result is that he doesn't drink much, and I barely drink at all. I have to force myself to have a glass of red wine because it's good for me.
Anyway, what got me onto this subject was the fact that I've discovered Fat Bastard Merlot. And it is quite tasty, in a complex fruity sort of way. Still has a bit of a sharp alcohol bite to it, but I'll get used to it, I think.

And now, on a more socially relevant subject, is it just me, or does Usher's Yeah! sound like it features Captain Caveman?

Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back And scream like a banshee Make you jump out of your skin!
23 September 2005 : 17.11
September is slowly drawing to a close. Which means that it's soon to be October. Which means that Hallowe'en is not far away.
And that usually means The Parade Of The Lost Souls.
Except not this year. Bastards.
18 September 2005 : 19.04
It's amazing what you can accomplish with just a look, isn't it? The other night I was on the skytrain, and there were a couple of kids there, probably in their late teens. Immigrants from mainland China, judging by the way they were speaking, acting, their clothes, etc. Anyway, one of them kept spitting on the floor, very deliberately. Here we are in a lovely new skytrain, travelling for really not very much money, and this guy's actually spitting on the floor. What the fuck is that about? Maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe he's just a disgusting fucking creature. I don't know. I don't particularly care, come to that. It's not something you do on public transit in Canada, end of story.
Anyway, his friend buggered off, and he carried on spitting on the floor. So I looked up at him, stared until he looked back at me, and then went back to my book, shaking my head slowly in obvious disgust. It worked, too. He stopped doing it, and actually covered up the mess he'd made with his backpack. Which must have been really yucky.
So remember kids, when you don't have a cattleprod, a well placed look of utter contempt is almost as effective. Even if it isn't as satisfying.
Yes, contempt, the wonder formula! Use contempt today!

17 September 2005 : 15.34
So last night I got mugged.
I was walking from the skytrain station to my building through a night barely broken by the faint yellow glow of the dim street lights, which arched uncomfortably over the road, when ahead of me a shadow detached itself from the darkness and moved slowly nearer the sidewalk. It stalked deliberately toward the point at which its path must intersect my own, cold and calculating, clearly driven by a definite intent. I watched it approach, knowing that there was no way to avoid what was about to happen, and as I drew level with it, the shadow hurled itself into my path, blocking my way, and in a voice that brooked no refusal, demanded: "Reow! Row! Mrow!"
Hell hath no fury like a tabby scorned, particularly a short-haired tabby looking for attention, so I knelt there on the road and scratched her head, and around her ears, and let her push me about a bit until she lost interest and, having got what she came for, slunk back silently into the shadows to await her next victim. And woe betide him if he doesn't stop.
I had to lecture some woman last night. Well, she started it. I'd just recovered from my mugging, and arrived at the door to my building, and I found a small slug dashing madly across the main entry way. Dashing madly for a slug means that he would have been there for several more hours. That was a problem because he was directly in front of the front door, and I knew that if I just left him there, some biped would come out and step on him, either intentionally (because humans are bastards) or just because they didn't seem him. Yes, I know that slugs are asexual, but he seemed like a him because of his colour and his cocky swagger.
So I retrieved a flyer from a nearby stack of newspapers, and was using it to pick him up so that I could deposit him somewhere safe and moist when a woman came out and immediately started complaining loudly about people taking papers that didn't belong to them. So I lectured her about human insensitivity, the importance of all life, be it human or slug, and how she could still save fifty cents on laundry detergent without the need for any innocent creatures to die. I mostly blame christianity and its ilk for the attitude of humans, since members of those cults believe that the entire world, along with everything on it, was created for humanity. That makes humans more important than slugs, and dodos, and elephants, and anyone else unfortunate enough not to be human. Eventually, she just went away. She probably won't talk to me again. I call that a victory. :)
Speaking of cults, a jehovah's witness accosted me yesterday at the skytrain station. I advised him that his religion was a pointless, mindless waste of time with which he attempted to bring meaning to his empty little life, and I'd appreciate it very much if he didn't attempt to infect me with it, as I had no desire to share his disability.
It really is a disability, isn't it? That whole need to cling to an imaginary friend rather than living, and taking responsibility, for yourself.
Lots of children have imaginary friends when they're young. Not me. I had an imaginary fan club. Much better for the self-image than a single imaginary friend, don't you think? The only problem is that you get tired of them pretty quickly. Everywhere you go they're demanding imaginary autographs, trying to get you to sign their imaginary breasts, etc. It's true.. we make our own hell.

And speaking of children, I've said before that I think that george w bush is a.. what's the politically correct term? Retard. He's a retard. I genuinely believe that he's severely underdeveloped, a child trapped in a grown-up's body. A stupid child, at that. The things he's said, the thing's he's done, all lead to that conclusion. This, if real, certainly supports that. Does this look like the action of a grown adult, or a young child on his best behaviour at an important event?
If he is the underdeveloped person I believe him to be, I feel sorry for him. But more than that, think about what that says about the nature of the government that's making use of him as they are. Including his own father. Everyone knows that bush is a puppet, but taking advantage of his defective mentality..
And to think that this government has nuclear weapons.. wow. That story is bloody scary. Though I do think it's cute how they think that the american president has any real power.
No one person has that kind of power. america has a desperate fear of authority, and so they wouldn't grant so much to a single individual. He is, of course, just a figurehead, a personification of the nation and the government, like the Queen.
Hey, there's a thought. america with a screaming queen as a president! Oh, the fun that would ensue! That's practically a sitcom. Queen Of America. Someone get me a television network executive on the phone right away.
16 September 2005 : 18.44
I want to complain for a minute about condoms. And shirts. Because this is my damned site, and I'll complain about anything I like. If that disturbes you.. well, just don't read it.
Why do they come in various styles, colours, flavours, and large? Condoms, I mean, not shirts. Seriously, you go through the different types in the shop and you see ribbed, warming, spiral, all of these fancy things, and then large. As though that's a style on its own. Maybe it would be if it were a normal-sized one which became large.. like, inflated or something, but it's not a style on its own. When you go shopping for a shirt, do you have a choice of solid colour, stripes, graphics, or large? Do you have to decide on a hot day between a thin shirt or one which is big enough to fit you? Ok, so we're talking about only two sizes here, but does it seem fair that one of those sizes has all of these lovely fancy options and the other has only plain? Oh, but they give them fancy names, don't they? That makes it ok, then.
Magnum. Manly! XXL. Wow! That makes up for the lack of variety, of course. Particularly if, as they say, size doesn't matter.

(that's a lie, by the way. Of course it bloody matters.)

It's a hurricane lamp. So you can find the hurricane in the dark. You've got a bloody great hurricane looming up over you at 3.30 in the morning and threatening to blow you away, you want to be able to see it.
10 September 2005 : 15.34

I used to think maybe you loved me, now baby I'm sure.
And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go to the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
'Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're coming around

Now I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
And don't it feel good!

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it's true
But I just can't spend my whole life just-a waiting for you
I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day
'Cause baby I just want you back and I want you to stay
Now I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
And don't it feel good!

Walking on sunshine
Walking on sunshine
I feel alive, I feel a love, I feel a love that's really real
I feel alive, I feel a love, I feel a love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby, oh yeah!
I'm on sunshine baby

Now I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh!
And don't it feel good!

Oh, like you weren't thinking it.
So I want to talk for a minute about the current american disaster. Since, you know, everyone else is doing it. Normally I don't go with the crowd, though. I'm not a conformist. After all, peer pressure is bad.
Don't you think it's humourously ironic that everyone tells you not to give in to peer pressure? So by not giving in to peer pressure, you're giving in to peer pressure. That's like rain on your wedding day.

Which brings me back to the storm story. When I heard that Katrina was blowing New Orleans, which has a population of 500 000, I thought that it must be an attempt at a new world record. That would leave Anabelle Chong way behind. Then I found out that Katrina is a hurricane, and it was a different situation entirely. After I cancelled my plane ticket, I skimmed some of the stories about the situation.

If you're not familiar with the story, this is what I've gathered by not really reading any of the articles about it: Katrina blew into New Orleans at about 3.30 in the morning and tore up the town. She was irresistable, sweeping men off their feet, and then chewing them up and spitting them out.

Wow.. so much senseless destruction. Houses were trashed, there was massive property damage, a mad scramble for food and drink, lots of looting, and about eighty people killed.
But enough about my weekend, let's get back to the hurricane. From what I've read when Katrina hit New Orleans she was a category 5, and fifty percent of the town is still underwater. There's a joke about Ethernet and ping flooding in there somewhere, but I'll leave it well alone.

The complete story is Scholastic news. And this is, I think, the most tragic part:

"Most of New Orleans's 500,000 residents left before the storm, but now everyone has been ordered to evacuate, or leave, the city."

This is a news site for teachers, and they have to define "evacuate" ? That's the education system in america for you.

Actually, there is a tragedy to this, since New Orleans was one of the few places in america that actually had a culture of its own. Sort of. It's a real shame to see that it's been pretty much destroyed, and some of the lovely old structures have been lost.

On the lighter side of the tragedy, celebrities, preachers, public officials.. people all over america are coming out in support of the disaster victims, and you know what they're asking you to do? They're asking for your prayers. bush has even declared Sept 16th Katrina prayer day. And if you go to, they say "May God's richest blessings be upon each of you for your willingness to help those in need".

Now, this is a storm, a force of nature and therefore, if you believe in that sort of thing, an act of god.
It's also the most powerful hurricane in recorded history, apparently.
So god flings the most fuck off vicious hurricane he's ever built at these people, and now he's supposed to listen to prayers to protect them? Hello? If there's one thing that god apparently doesn't want to do it's protect these people. I should have thought that he'd made that pretty clear, really. You can't get much more clear than "Die, you bastards!" can you?
I mean, how bloody stupid are these people? "May God's richest blessings be upon each of you for your willingness to help those in need", you know, now that he's smashed all of their houses and killed hordes of people. In fact, if it weren't for god and his frigging hurricane there wouldn't be any need for your help in the first place, so fuck him. It's not like you can blame anyone else, is it? Either god sent the hurricane, or god didn't take a second out of his busy schedule spreading HIV and Ebola among the children in Africa to turn the hurricane out toward the ocean and away from the people. That means that at best god doesn't care, and at worst he actually wanted to destroy the city and kill the people. You don't go to your attacker for shelter from the attack, do you?
You know, unless you're fucking stupid. So maybe god's not the guy they need to be calling here. Hell, charles manson has a better record.

But fortunately because of america's recent behaviour, and its high standing in global public opinion, sympathy and support echo around the world..
No they don't. Because nobody likes the americans or what they stand for. Even after the disaster americans are falling upon one another like uncivilised animals. Many papers and online articles are claiming that the looters are doing what they have to do to survive, of course, but they're also hitting department stores, jewelry stores, and gun stores, and I don't care how hungry you are, you can't eat a plasma TV.
So weaken the law through disaster and tragedy and you get mugging, looting, and raping. But that's not surprising. It's the american way.

If you want to donate to help the real victims of the hurricane, the ones that don't get the benefit of most of the rescue and relief efforts, go here.

Hey mama...
3 September 2005 : 11.58
You know, the more I listen to Black Eyed Peas (since every other song on the radio seems to be by them), the more I realise that many of their songs seem to be about president bush.
"We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives — like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write." —George W. Bush, on federal education requirements, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005
Let's get retarded (ha),
let's get retarded in here.
Let's get retarded (ha),
let's get retarded in here.
Let's get retarded (ha),
let's get retarded in here.
Let's get retarded (ha),
let's get retarded in here.
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono, yeah you know know know know you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I see you and what you're all about
Nonono baby, nononono don't lie
Yeah you know you know you know you know you know you gotta try
"I have a record in office, as well. And all Americans have seen that record. September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget." —George W. Bush, Marlton, New Jersey, Oct. 18, 2004

And, of course:
Shut up, just shut up shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut it up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut it up, just shut up, shut up.
02 September 2005 : 15.01
I just heard from my parents that Bubba the budgie died this morning. He'd been sick for some time, so it's not unexpected, but it's always sad to lose family. He hadn't suffered at all, though, thank goodness. He'd lost a lot of his feathers, mostly from his tail and the back of his head, but for the last couple of weeks he's just been stamping around his house, eating himself to a standstill, and sleeping wherever he stopped. Apparently this morning he just ate a lot, fell asleep, and died happy.

'... and then I got this pain! Oy!' 'I'm sorry to hear that grandpa...'
02 September 2005 : 13.25
... and there, on the handle, was a hook! And then the operator said "the hook is coming from inside the house!" And that house was me!

Yeah, I suck at these stories.

Along those lines, I'm not certain that Yoda got the whole Dark Side thing right. Fear leads to anger, yes. Anger leads to hate, ok. Hate leads to suffering, fair enough, but what does suffering lead to?
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to complaining, and complaining leads to annoying. There the true power of the dark side is."
But that suggests that the Sith are all stereotypical old Jewish men, doesn't it? Which would be a nifty accent for the Emperor.
Like that bit in Empire where Vader is kneeling in front of the hologram of the Emperor.
"What is thy bidding, my master?"
"Stand straight. You can't stand straight? You never call? You never write? What are you ashamed of the Emperor?"
"No it's just, I've been busy.."
"But not busy writin' to me, are ya? Oy, when I think of the years.." [mumbling off into incoherent complaining]

So for some reason the televisions in my office are all on the tennis channel, and I've noticed that for some reason whenever they go to the sportscaster people, they're wearing headsets with huge padded earphones and mics. They look like helicopter pilots. Like they should be watching the match from high above.
Or like airline pilots, flying one of those fuck off huge 747 jets with the pilot uniform and the big inspiring voice.
The pilot, not the fuck off huge..
Well they do, though, don't they? Airline pilots always have that deep charismatic sort of "Ahhhh this is your captain speaking.." sort of voice. That sort of "Wraith awaiting launch orders" mode of speaking. And they all sound the same. I think it must be something that they teach them in pilot school. "Class, yesterday we talked about ailerons and other control surfaces, and today we're going to talk about pronounciation."
That would explain why they all sound the same, wouldn't it? How Captain Roger sounds exactly the same as Captain Simon or Captain Jessica. But since they all sound the same, doing the voice must be one of those qualifications for getting the license. Otherwise there'd be pilots with tiny squeaky voices, or pilots who don't have the same enormous level of confidence, right? But that cuts down the number of available candidates, doesn't it, and there's really no shortage of pilots, so I'm thinking that they must have a voice modulator. That way you could have a thirteen year old girl genius piloting your plane and still get the "Ahhh this is your captain speaking" effect. Even with a clown and a trained seal and a dancing bear flying your plane you could still get the same sort of..
Have to be a hell of a modulator, though, wouldn't it? I mean "honk honk clap clap this is your captain" But that's good, though, isn't it because that's really the sort of quality you want in your sportscaster. "Ahh well Serena's playing a good game there as she faces off against Anna, and I'd like to welcome you all aboard match seven-two-niner in the Wimbledon final. We'll be cruising at approximately thirty-thousand feet for the duration of this match, and we should be seeing a winner in about, oh, thirty minutes."

01 September 2005 : 16.35

Gentlemen, BEHOLD!

I have a spiffy new bed! It's a nice big four-poster queen mit der pine finish! A friend helped me put it together last night, which is why I'm so sleepy today. It's lovely!
And there was cheesecake. I'm a whore for cheesecake. One slice of cheesecake and I'm anybody's. I admit it. I'm not proud.
Speaking of being a whore, I should really arrange a sushi night soon for the usual crowd.

Anyway, the set also included an armoire. Didn't Jackie Chan make a movie about one of those? Longxiong hudi? But this one is massive! It's literally the size of a police box. I could live in it, it's so big. If it weren't for the shelves, I could open the door and easily walk into it, there to likely find a frozen land full of badly concealed lack of originality thinly disguised as religious allegory as conceived by a rabid biblethumper.
I mean.. Narnia.

Aw, mint!
01 September 2005 : 14.11
Remember how when something was cool, people used to say it was mint?
I never understood that. I mean, I liked mint, but I didn't think that it was cool.
Except for Cool Mint, of course.
But that was a flavour rather than a state of being.
So it didn't count.
I wondered how people knew what flavour something was, anyway.
"Aw man, that car is mint!"
How did they know it was mint?
But then, things were cherry for a while, too, weren't they?
Never orange, though. Or chocolate.
"Check out Joe's new guitar!" "That's banana, man!"

28 August 2005 : 14.45
And speaking of video game goodness, Overclocked Remix has some lovely remixes of the music from many of the classic games of yesterday's systems. Personally, I find Mind Of The Mother Brain from Metroid running through my head all the time.
More Metroidy music at

Metroid was such a cool game.. in a world of linear side-scrollers like Mario and Double-Dragon, Metroid was a major advance. If you aren't familiar with it, it was a pretty non-linear adventure game with a huge map full of hidden chambers and large rooms and upgrades for your character. It was easy to lose many hours wandering through the map trying to find what you needed to reach the next scary boss guy. But I never liked that I had to kill the Metroids when all they were doing was trying to survive. Check out the map.. massive, considering that it was just an 8-bit bame system. And it got better with the sequels. I haven't played either of the Metroid Prime games, but if they're up to the same standard as the originals I'm sure they're amazing.

you're playing with power!
27 August 2005 : 12.05
Oy.. late night last night. I have a vicious bastard of a headache.

I wonder about things. One thing I wonder about is why Pdiddy, he of the gangsta image, goes about with a name based upon a dorky monkey in a hat from an old Nintendo game.

pdiddy-kong, yo.

Speaking of Nintendo games, and indeed all old console games, I wonder what their position on ROMs is. I mean, it's not like they stand to make any more money from systems like the NES or the SNES, so why not allow people to trade ROMs and continue to enjoy Super Mario, etc.? Yes, trading copies of current games might cause financial loss, but older games? The only way you can even get those these days is to buy them used, so Nintendo, Sega, etc. don't get anything from them anyway. It's copyright infringement, certainly, but what I'm wondering is why they actually care. Better, surely, to spread the word of their past triumphs and possibly build support for their current or future endeavours..
26 August 2005 : 15.22
I've mentioned before that I hate the corporate drivel, the pointless team-building nonsense which the motivational "experts" vomit all over an otherwise reasonably comfortable working environment, and which management eagerly laps up as though it's the very finest ambrosia, as opposed to the mindless spew that it actually is.
That said, sometimes I benefit directly from it. A while ago they gave me a Victorinox knife with a 64 MB Swissbit Flash drive for winning a shooting contest. They're not terribly cheap, so that was a good day. Today my manager gave me a Starbuck's coffee card just for doing what I do anyway. I think that means we're dating now. I don't know. All that really matters is that now I get coffee and I don't have to pay for it.
Because that's the best way to motivate, ladies and gentlemen of the management. Not games. Not company pride. Stuff. We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.

22 August 2005 : 17.21
So I used to work at a book store. Hardly inappropriate for someone like me. It was hell when Oprah would mention a book because suddenly billions of people would call demanding it. god forbid that they should choose for themselves what to read. No, they need a some stranger on the television to tell them. So anyway, one day I was helping an older lady find her book, and chatting idly with her about various things, and the subject of the Oprah books came up, and I mentioned that as soon as Oprah makes any reference whatever to a book the bookstores are instantly swarmed. I said "no one should have that kind of power," and the lady said "'specially not a woman, right?"

You know how sometimes it takes you a moment to parse what's been said? Those "heh, yeah.. what?" moments. That was what happened then. Followed by a moment of "I cannot believe she just said that. What kind of wacko actually has opinions like that?"
Followed by a moment of realisation that she wasn't speaking her own opinion, she was assuming that that was mine. And it was solely based upon my gender because she didn't actually know me.
Have I mentioned that I hate people?
Now I don't even remember why I brought that up. There was a reason for relating that story. Ah well, it will come back to me at some point, I'm sure.

Iron Chef Japan.. he's magically delicious! Yes, I know it's actually Chairman Kagaa. Shut up.
19 August 2005 : 21.30
And the result of tonight's culinary adventure, this fabulous
Peppered Beef Casserole!

Pity I was trying to make a Chicken Merengue. Still, all things considered, it turned out terribly, terribly well. Creamy pasta sauce, peppery beef, sharp onions, spices, and various other yummy tastes which, though I'm not really certain as to how I got some of them, are all really good. So let's hear it for me! Can I get a hell yeah!?

I had a girlfriend once who was going to teach me to cook. Fabulous idea, that was. Kitchen katas.. you'll be familiar with the concept if you've read The Shadow Chronicles. It never worked out, though, so I'm figuring it out for myself. But you know what? I'm fantastic.
19 August 2005 : 15.33
They're filming The Cleaner outside my building. Apparently I now work for some company called D.A.R.T.
Weird. Anyway, the important thing is that Lucy Liu is down there, which means that she came into Vancouver and once again she didn't call me. Bloody typical.
No, I'm serious.. if she does this another few dozen times I'm going to start wondering whether she's not interested in me any more.

I have a headache. Just so you know. Ow.

And now... this.

Little Britain
16 August 2005 : 19.13
"Britain, Britain, Britain, land of technological achievement. We've had running water for over ten years, an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat. Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in sixteen-o-ten, sold to Germany a year later for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss, destroyed in eighteen-thirty-forty-two and rebuilt a week later by a man. Would you like a jelly baby?
Opened by The Queen in 1972, Britain now attracts hundreds of visitors a year. But why do they come? Not just to discover how Chicken Nuggets should really taste, or to take part in the great British tradition of dogging, Nooo! They come in their drove to meet the people of Britain and it is them what we now here look at now today. Let's rock!"

Yes, Britain, where the human population is made up almost entirely of men and women of both sexes split roughly in uneven numbers.
Little Britain is a television programme. It is good. And it's narrated by Tom farking Baker! Which only increases its appeal.
With Anthony Stewart Head as the Prime Minister!
Some of the sketches though, like the minstrels, or Dafydd the Welsh gay, make you wonder how the hell they stayed on television, rather than being crucified for rampant political incorrectness.
But it's the rampant political incorrectness that makes the show so much fun, and so if you have not seen it, do so at once.
12 August 2005 : 17.44
Now then, it's time once again on for movie talk. This week we're talking about Fantastic 4.


So how 'bout that local sports team?

Actually, it's not that bad. It's very young.. very much a kids' movie, but then it's a freaking comic book, so that's to be expected. Don't go in expecting poignant drama or social commentary from a movie with a big orange guy made of rocks.
Do, however, expect a magnificent view of Jessica Alba's breasts. She's the only one whose uniform has a décolletage. So if that's the sort of thing you want from a comic book movie, you've gone to the right place.
So the movie is not without its good points, as it were, though I'd much rather that it had a good story.
There are things that don't make the slightest bit of sense, like how they're on the bridge and they can't get to their friend, so Jessica Alba's character has to turn invisible and strip right down to get through the enormous crowd. Ok, that makes no sense at all since she had to push her now naked body through a large crowd of people who really wouldn't need to see her to know that she was there. And, of course, when she gets to the other side, her friends (who can't turn invisible) are waiting for her. So what the hell was the point? You know, other than a somewhat transparent ploy to get Jessica Alba on screen in her underwear.
Yes, I said transparent, and I'm not apologising for it.
And the science.. oy.. bad even for a comic book movie. Apparently, and I'm not giving anything away here, a cloud of radioactivity changes the DNA of the characters. Somehow that results in one of them being suddenly able to generate the heat of a supernova.
Hello? A supernova? Organic matter in a superfreakingnova? Now I know what you're thinking.. "but what does one wear to a supernova?" Well, fortunately the cloud altered the DNA of the Fantastic 4's clothes, too..
Yes, I know, but that's the reason we're given.
We also learn from the big orange stone guy.. Terracotta Man, I think he's called.. that being different isn't bad, even though the only person who takes a romantic interest in him is blind. So it's ok to be different as long as she doesn't have to look at him, apparently..
But you know, it's amazing how much New York looks like Vancouver. No, isn't it though? In fact, if you ignore the shots with the obvious New York landmarks, you'd swear that it was shot here.
Actually, it's nice to see some of the Vancouver landmarks on the big screen, like the Hotel Vancouver (Reed's hotel, I think), the Plaza Of Nations (where they apparently have motocross), Commercial Drive (where Ben/Thing's wife apparently lives), and so on. And most of the street scenes appear to have been shot on Burrard, but there's a reason for that. Most of the street scenes were shot on Burrard. I know because I walked through them on a number of occasions.
Curiously, I notice that a bunch of the stuff that I saw being shot didn't make the final cut. The crashed helicopter looked like fun, too. Tabernac.
On the positive side, a curvily cute blonde girl at the movie theatre spontaneously gave me her phone number while I was buying a cup of coffee, so I give her two thumbs up.
As to the movie, it's a fun ride, but a bit too short, and not really designed for grown ups. So it's a bit like the kiddie coaster at Disneyland, except for Jessica Alba's breasticles.
They're not usually on the kiddie coaster at Disneyland, but I'm sure that some people would pay as much to see that as they would to see this movie, so my point is still valid.

"And there’s a moral to this story. Or at least there was supposed to be a moral, but because I’m dyslexic it is, in fact, a marble. Thank you, good night."
12 August 2005 : 12.35
Hello, and welcome back to happy talk, where we discuss the more serious issues that occur in our society today.

So why is it that when you walk into a men's washroom, there's often a guy standing in front of the mirror watching himself fasten his pants? I mean, is he having that much difficulty with his belt that he needs to see himself buckle it? Is he having trouble guiding the little pokey bit into the hole? It's no wonder women complain about how so few men make decent lovers if they need both hands and a mirror for such a simple navigating operation.
Sad, really.

But enough of that philosophical nonsense. On to more important matters.
Mmmm.. Sunchips.
For years, people have complained that vending machines take their money, but that the merchandise gets stuck in the spirally thing, and doesn't fall to where you can reach it. Ever vigilant, the vending machine designers..
Wouldn't that be the most boring job in the world? I mean, you basically have to come up with a piggy bank that gives people stuff. And you don't get to put any of those fun little animated hands or anything on it.
Anyway, the intrepid vending machine designers have come up with a solution to the problem: there's now a sensor that tracks whether the item that you have requested has fallen, and if it doesn't because your item has become stuck on something, the vending machine turns the little twisty thing again. Often, this leads to two items falling from the machine.
So this is a fun new game. It's like gambling, like a slot machine, but with an element of skill. See whether you can get two items for the price of one by skillfully determining which items will get stuck. It'll be an olympic sport in 2237, you'll see.
Ok, it's only fun for about five minutes, but I'm about to start my free bag of Sunchips, so it's not without its rewards.

Don't you feel better for knowing that?
29 July 2005 : 16.46
It's pride weekend, and once again I won't be able to make it to the parade! Woo!
Yes, that's sarcasm. I work weekends, so I never get to go to the bloody parade. I've never seen the damned thing. It's a conspiracy. It must be.

On the other hand, it does mean that I won't get hit on by gay men. That seems to happen a lot. I don't know why. I'm very flattered and everything, but they tend to be kind of forward sometimes.
No idea why the gay guys seem to be attracted to me. I was talking about it with the cool girl from work, and she asked "Do you think it's because you're so.. uh.. metrosexual?"
Wow.. I wasn't aware that I was. Crazy. But I take that as a compliment, because what she's saying is that it looks as though I make an effort with my appearance. Go me! Who's a sexy bitch?! Oh yeah, she luuuvs me she luuuuuuuvs me..
But not really.

I was reading on this site about the things that drive women mad, in a column entitled "What drives her mad". The thing that got me about it, though, was how the column ends with:
And why do you believe us when we say "nothing's wrong" when everything about our behavior says there is?
More to the point, I feel, is the question "Why the fuck do you say that 'nothing's wrong' if something actually is?"
If something's wrong, why wouldn't you say it? It's hardly fair to get upset at a guy for believing what you tell him, is it? If he thinks that something's wrong, but you tell him that it's not, he's going to think that he misread you. Normally I'm on the women's side in these things, but this one's just stupid.

27 July 2005 : 15.20
Ah, Stealth. Another shining example of technophobia gone wild, by the look of it. Why is it that so many movies and stories are technophobic?

Well, obviously because most people don't understand it, and humans tend to be afraid of things that they don't understand. Most people don't know how to program their VCR. For many people, this is a common household sight:


so movies about the big bad technology coming to get them are very frightening, and stories about artificial intelligences gone wrong are commonplace. From EDI to Skynet, HAL 9000 to Proteus IV, there's no shortage of examples of stories featuring artificial intelligences that have been created and have turned on their creators. Of course, the easy thing to do is to blame it on technophobia, but I think there's actually more to it than that. It's more a question of the creation turning against the creator than the technology itself. After all, there are plenty of stories that don't make a fuss about technology, but do follow the same theme, such as the archetypal Frankenstein. Sure, technology is a factor in that story, but it's more about the creation getting loose, turning on its creator. The same with more modern Frankenstein-esque stories like Deep Blue Sea. Technology fascilitates the story, but isn't really the basic concept behind it.

Dear god, I sound like most of my old university English professors.

Speaking of movies, one of my co-workers is pregnant. She was talking to someone, and I overheard her say that she couldn't sit for too long because it moved too much.

Oh, that turns the stomach. It's an Alien (that's the movie tie-in, right there) sort of thing, being used as a living incubator while the creature inside feeds on her and grows inside her until it's ready to emerge, like some sort of massive, horrific parasite. It makes my skin crawl..
No idea how people can say that pregnancy is beautiful. I'm going to have nightmares for a week.

And now, cuteness. In video form, no less!
And people hitting things as art.

27 July 2005 : 00.13

This is a test of the violently-happy system.
This is only a test.
24 July 2005 : 13.45
Hockey's back. It was gone for a long time, but now we can all rejoice as it makes its triumphant return.

I don't get sports. I mean, what's the point? I don't have anything against it, I just don't know why people get so worked up over it. Take hockey, for example. It's a bunch of unkempt, sweaty, reeking men in funny outfits chasing a small piece of rubber around a frozen pool. And occasionally getting so excited about it that they have to hit each other. Ok, pointless though it may be, I understand that it might be fun to play, you know, if you're into that sort of thing, but that still doesn't explain why people get so excited watching it. At least with computer sports games you're involved, but sports on television aren't remotely interactive. You know what's going to happen because the same thing happens in every game. Players are going to score points, and either one team is going to win or there will be a draw, but since you're not involved in the process what's the appeal? Why do people get so excited and have friends over to watch these things when they already know what will transpire?

Now, on to more important matters: Heh heh heh...
Sinfest is a good comic. I particularly like this one, just because of the poster in the background.

Speaking of comics, I went to a comedy club last night, and Irwin Barker was on, who is one of the few educated comics I've seen. Intelligent humour is good, so now I offer the Heisenberg joke:

[ ahem ]

Heisenberg gets stopped for speeding. The officer says "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

Next, on Biography, the Clonus Horror.
22 July 2005 : 18.21
So yeah, movies. Apparently, The Island is being called lots of things, including "original," but when I saw the trailer I thought "Remember when this movie was called Parts: The Clonus Horror?" and immediately branded Michael Bay with the coveted title of "fucking unoriginal bastard".
I'm not the only one, it seems.
I wonder whether Peter Graves will be in this one..

Of course, there's a big fuss now about the writers and director of Clonus not getting credit for the blatant rip-offery that is The Island, and that's hardly surprising. The original was an excellent concept, though the movie was bad enough to be on MST3K. It's not surprising that it was remade, but honestly, getting the rights would have been so cheap that it would have been virtually free. It's more about the respect of someone else's creation. Instead, I'm hoping that distribution of the film gets blocked to prevent them from making money on it. Whether the original was good or bad, it's someone else's idea, so bugger Mr. Bay with a pointy stick.

And now I am hungry. Hungry for luuuv. Or a green tea frappuccino. That would do just as well.

Everybody! Throw the Jew down the well...
21 July 2005 : 12.59
god I'm bored. bored bored bored bored bored.
But fear not, for tonight I go to see Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, with Johnny Depp at his newest creepy high! Yes, a night of hot Oompaloompa-on-Oompaloompa action with my friend Jozi.
Take that however you like.

And then an orgy of sweetness at Death By Chocolate. Because, you know, after a movie about a chocolate factory you really have to indulge, don't you? And I'm all about indulging. Why else have senses?

I added some new articles to the list at the left there. And I added a new image to the bottom of the New York, New York page.

Now here's something to occupy you if you're as bored as I am.

'He couldn'a take any more.'
21 July 2005 : 11.24
James Doohan has died. That sucks. He was apparently a great guy.. craziest pilot in the Canadian Air Force during WWII. There are stories all over the place about him as people pay their respects.
Mind you, he had Alzheimer's, so better that he died this way than taken a piece at a time.

You can't touch this. STOP! Hammer time!
20 July 2005 : 21.49
These are teh funnay links from that I have to share for fear that you might miss them.
No, don't thank me. It's all part of the service.

(some of these need to be reloaded once they load in order to synchronise the sound. I love these partially because they're so badly made, most of them, but mostly because they're such ridiculous ideas. These had me giggling madly until late into the night. You have to be familiar with some of the clichés to get them, of course.

Wheel Of Fortune (Vader)
The NOOOllercoaster (Vader)
Link finds a ninja!
The pope ranger!
Nigga stole my bike at Carnegie Hall!
I believe you have my vocoder
Link's surprise
Spread my stapler
Stapler called love
But Milton finally lets go...

19 July 2005 : 17.44
New index page. The old one is here.
Changed my email address, too, so hopefully the bastard spammers won't be able to find this one with their robots.

"You can't take her royal highness there, the Hutts are gangstas."
(requires sound)

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